Commercial Aviation

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Commercial Aviation

A stormy flight aboard a Boeing aircraft; an off-duty airline stewardess is sitting next to a man in the grip of serious white-knuckle fever as he watches, through his porthole, the aircraft's wing bending and bouncing in the tempest. The stewardess tries to reassure him; she works in the industry and flies all the time, she tells him. There is nothing to worry about; the pilots have everything under control.

"Madam," he replies, "I am a Boeing engineer and we did not design this aircraft to do what it is doing"

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Smile! (Picture)

Pilot:..Roger I'm holding at 3000 overhead Sierra2.
2nd Voice:No you can't be doing that!I'm holding there at 3000.
Pilot:Crazy fool you are my co-pilot!!

A difficult cabin announcement (picture)

On a flight with EasyJet back in 1997 the pilot made what can only be describes as an extremely heavy landing at Luton. It was very early in the morning and a number of passenger around me looked quite alarmed as, apart
from the noise, a number of overhead lockers dropped open and several items of carry-on luggage were launched down the aisle.

After slowing up, the aircraft turned off the runway and turned towards the stand and over the PA came "Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is Captain Smith, welcome to Luton...and if any of you were asleep...I bet you're not now!"

Tower: "xxxx, clear to land"

XXXX: "roger"

Tower: "xxxx, I can not see any landing gear. Is your gear down?"

XXXX: "Say again, I can't hear you because there a some darn horn blaring in my ear!"

Tower: "Your landing gear is NOT DOWN"

XXXX: "Say what, I can't understand you"

Tower: "Your landing gear is ..... aw shit."

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."

XYZ Airlines Flight Attendant: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at XYZ we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."

Overheard on an XYZ Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

From a disgruntled XYZ Airline Flight Attendant...

"Welcome aboard XYZ Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, noboby loves you, or your money, more than XYZ Airlines."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silent, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skys in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at USAirways."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Apparently right after a military C-5 Galaxy landed and cleared the active it taxied by a Boeing 747 that was holding short of the runway. The Galaxy captain knowing how much larger his aircraft was keyed the mic and asked the 747 captain, "Hey little buddy, what's your gross?" Not to be out done the 747 captain keyed his mic and replied "A little over two hundred thousand dollars a year, how about you?"

What is the one thing that keeps flight attendants from the lowest scum on the earth?....A cockpit door.

What is the difference between an airline engine and a flight attendant?....An airline engine stops whining at the gate.

airline abbreviations

AA (American Airlines) - Always Awful

AI (Air India) - Allah Informed

ALITALIA - Always Late In Takeoff Always Late In Arrival ,Air Line In Tokyo And Luggage In Amsterdam

BOAC (British Overseas Airways Corp.) - Better On A Camel ,Bloody Old and Careless

CA (China Airlines) - Choose Another

CAAC (Civil Aviation Authority of China ?) - Chinese Airline Always Canceled , China Airlines Almost (Always) Crashes

CPA (Canadian Airl.Intl.) - Can't Promise Anything (New code CAI) - Crash And Ignite, Call Ambulance Immediately, Circle Airport Indefinitely, Cruise Above Iceland, Cancel Alaskan Itinerary, Call Attendants "Idiots", Check All Items, Copilots Are Imbeciles, Casual Atmosphere Inside

DELTA - Don't Even Leave The Airport, Don't Ever Leave The Airport, Don't Even Let Them Aboard (referring to the arabs?), Departing Even Later Than Anticipated

EAL (Eastern) - Eastern's Always Late

ELAL - Every Landing Always Late

JAT (Yugoslav Airlines)- Joke About Time

KLM = Koop Lockheed Majesteit (Buy Lockheed, Your majesty, after the Lockheed bribe scandal which involved HRH Prince Bernhard of the Netherlands)

LOT (Polish Airlines) - Last One There, Luggage On Tarmack (wave 'bye!)

LUFTHANSA - Let Us Fuck The Horses, Are No Stewardesses Available

PA (Philippine Airways)- Please Avoid

PAL (Phil. Airlines) - Philippines Always Late

PAN AM - Plan On Arriving Nervewracked And Mad

PIA (Pakistan Intl.Airl) - Please Inform Allah, Panic In Air ,Perhaps I Arrive

QANTAS - Queer And Nasty Types As Stewards

SABENA (Belgium) - Such A Bloody Experience, Never Again, Such A Bad Experience, Never Again

SAHSA (Servicio Aero Honduras SA) - Stay At Home, Stay Alive

SAS (Scandinavian Airl. System) - Sweet And Sexy, Sex And Service

SIA (Singapore Intl.Airl.) - So Incredible, Aah

TACA - Take A Chance Airline

TAP (Portuguese Airl.) - Take Another Plane

TRANSAVIA - To Rape A New Stewardess After V1 Is Allowed.

TWA (Transworld Airl.) - Travel Without Arrival, Try Walking, Asshole , Try Walking Again, The Worst Airline, Took Wrong Airline, Try Walking Across (transatlantic perspective), Travel With Arabs, Terrorist Welcome Aboard, Terrorists With Arms, Teenie Weenie Airlines, Traveling Without Air, Tiny Wings Aflappin , Time Waste Airlines

Usair - Unfortunately, Still Alleghany In Reality

Paerodox- It doesn't make sense: You're flying at 500 mph, 30,0000 feet in the air, and the pilot tells you to feel free roam around the plane. But when you're on the ground, taxiing to the gate at one mph, he tells you to remain seated for your safety.

The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines:

   1.Delta: We're Amtrak with wings
   2.Join our frequent near-miss program.
   3.Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
   4.Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off!
   5.Complimentary champagne in free-fall.
   6.Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
   7.The kids will love our inflatable slides.
   8.You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane!
   9.Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
10.Delta: We might be landing on your street!
11.Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
12.Bring a bathing suit.
13.So that's what these buttons do!
14.Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.
15.Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

What is the ideal cockpit crew? A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

How do you know if a pilot is at your party? He'll tell you.

How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?
Because he says: "Thats enough about flying, let's talk about me"!

Little boy to airline pilot: "You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting."
Pilot: "Not if I do it right."

What's the purpose of the propeller? - To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!

Q: What do pilots use for birth control? A: Their personality.

Q: What separates flight attendants from the scum of the earth? A: The cockpit door!

Q: What is the difference between a flight attendant and a jet engine? A: The jet engine stops whining at the gate

A pilot dies and goes to hell.
As he is waiting for the devil, he notices three doors. The devil is nowhere in sight so he walks over to door number one and peeks inside. There he sees a lone pilot, sweating over emergency after emergency, non stop bells and horns. Quickly closing that door, he creeps to door number two. There he sees a pilot going over checklist after checklist after checklist. Slamming closed that door, he steps over to the 3rd and last door. Inside is a pi lot, along with three flight attendants who are pouring coffee, serving dinners and cold compresses to the pilot. Smiling he slowly closes the door and goes over and sits down. The devil finally arrives and tells him to choose a door. He laughs and choo ses door # 3. "Sorry" says the devil. "Door # 3 is flight attendant hell".