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Non-Aviation Jokes

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95
           #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
           #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
           #1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.
           #2: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
           #1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE
                 WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY, DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
           #2: This is a lighthouse, Your Call.
           #1: ...

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by The California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at

The same time?

A The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,

"Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q When driving through fog, what should you use?

A Your car.

Q What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

A I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A The color.

Q How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A Heavy psychedelics.

Q What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A Carry loaded weapons.

Fun Things to do When Driving

Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.

Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.

Two words: Chicken suit.

Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.

Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.

Stop at the green lights.

Go at the red ones.

Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

Eat food that requires silverware.

Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.

At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.

Honk frequently without motivation.

Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.

At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.

Let pedestrians know who's boss.

Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

Restart your car at every stop light.

Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

Keep at least five cats in the car.

Squeegee your windshield at every stop.

If an fire truck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!

Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.

Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

Stop and collect road kill.

Stop and pray for road kill.

Stop and cook road kill. (If in Tennessee.)

Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.

Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to... a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"

Sing without having the radio on.

At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...

General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags

DETROIT--With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.

"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."

Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung.

"I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!"

Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.

GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"

Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.

According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."

Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump." "You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."