Helicopter Jokes

I never liked riding in helicopters because there's a fair probability that the bottom part will get going around as fast as the top part.

— Lt. Col. John Wittenborn, USAFR

Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers & helicopters -- in that order -- need two.

— Paul Slattery

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion.

Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Hovering is for people who love flying but have no place to go!

Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers & helicopters -- in that order -- need two.

— Paul Slattery

Low Flight (1)

Oh! I've slipped through the swirling clouds of dust,
   a few feet from the dirt,
I've flown the Phantom low enough,
   to make my bottom hurt.
I've TFO'd the deserts, hills,
   valleys and mountains too,
Frolicked in the trees,
   where only flying squirrels flew.
Chased the frightened cows along,
   disturbed the ram and ewe,
And done a hundred other things,
   that you'd not care to do.
I've smacked the tiny sparrow,
   bluebird, robin, all the rest,
I've ingested baby eaglets,
   simply sucked them from their nest!
I've streaked through total darkness,
   just the other guy and me,
And spent the night in terror of
   things I could not see.
I've turned my eyes to heaven,
   as I sweated through the flight,
Put out my hand and touched,
   the master caution light.

Low Flight (2)

Oh, I've slipped the surely bonds of earth
  And hovered out of ground effect on semi-rigid blades;
Earthward I've auto'ed and met the rising brush of Non-paved terrain;
  And done a thousand things you would never care to
Skidded and dropped and flared Low in the heat soaked roar.
  Confined there, I've chased the earthbound traffic
And lost the race to insignificant Headwinds;
  Forward and up a little in ground effect I've topped the General's hedge with drooping turns
Where never Skyhawk or even Phantom flew.
  Shaking and pulling collective,
I've lumbered The low untresspassed halls of victor airways,
  Put out my hand and touched a tree.

If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic helicopter fly-ins?

— Anon

The thing is, helicopters are different from planes. An airplane by it's nature wants to fly, and if not interfered with too strongly by unusual events or by a deliberately incompetent pilot, it will fly. A helicopter does not want to fly. It is maintained in the air by a variety of forces and controls working in opposition to each other, and if there is any disturbance in this delicate balance the helicopter stops flying; immediately and disastrously. There is no such thing as a gliding helicopter.

This is why being a helicopter pilot is so different from being an airplane pilot, and why in generality, airplane pilots are open, clear-eyed, buoyant extroverts and helicopter pilots are brooding introspective anticipators of trouble. They know if something bad has not happened it is about to.

— Harry Reasoner, 1971

Copters for Computers!