General Aviation

Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation..

1. I'm from the FAA  and I'm here to help you.

2. Me? I've never busted minimum’s.

3. We will be on time, maybe even early.

4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.

5. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.

6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.

7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.

8. I'm a member of the mile high club.

9. I only need glasses for reading.

10. I broke out right at minimum’s.

11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.

12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.

13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.

14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.

15. We shipped the part yesterday.

16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.

17. All you have to do is follow the book.

18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.

19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.

20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.

21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.

22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.

23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?

24. We'll be home by lunchtime.

25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.

26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.

27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.

28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?

29. I thought YOU took care of that.

30. I've got the field in sight.

31. I've got the traffic in sight.

32. Of course I know where we are.

33. I'm SURE the gear was down.

Controller to aircraft that just landed: "Bear right, next intersection"

Pilot: "Roger, we have him in sight"

Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: There's a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about the expense.

So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot: Let's go, take off. As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him, "See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can."

Incredulous, the pilot says, "You want me to fly over that fire?"

"Sure," the reporter says, "I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here--to take dramatic shots of the fire!"

The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says, "You're not the flight instructor?"

On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told his passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to take action:

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been   informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little' plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back   and take it easy.

It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing of   the airplane....it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humor.."

A Flying students' diary..

Week 1

Monday: Rain

Tuesday: Rain

Wednesday: No rain; no visibility either

Thursday: Take instructor to lunch. Discover I don't know enough to take instructor to lunch.

Friday: Fly! Do first stall and second stall during same maneuver. Cover instructor with lunch.

Week 2

Monday: Learned not to scrape frost off Plexiglas with ice-scraper. Used big scratch as marker to set pitch.

Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle "THAT BIG KNOB THING." Also hates when I call instruments "GADGETS"

Wednesday: Radios won't pick up radio stations, so I turned them off.   Instructor seems to think I missed something.

Thursday: Learned 10 degree bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today. Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said that was some kind of record  -- my first compliment.

Friday: Did steep turn. Instructor said I was not ready for inverted flight  yet.

Week 3

Monday: Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling  her "BABE". Did steep turns. She said I had to have permission for inverted flight.

Tuesday: Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him "BABE", too. He got mad when I pulled power back on takeoff because the engine was to loud.

Wednesday: Instructor said after the first 20 hours, most students have established a learning curve. He said there is a slight bend in mine. Aha--progress!

Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did good job. Also did turns around a point. Instructor warned me never to pick ex-fiancée's house as point again.

Friday: Did pattern work. Instructor said that if downwind, base and final formed a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise!

Week 4

Monday: First landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the captain in the 747 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor says we'll have ground school all this week on radio procedures.

Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned gray at such an early age. He smiled. We did takeoff stalls. He says I did just   fine but to wait until we reached altitude next time. Three Niner Juliet will be out of the shop in three days when the new strut and tire arrive. Instructor says his back bothers him only a little.

Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot lower. I'm sure my instructor is going gray.

Thursday: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor asked why. I told him I wanted the extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school.

Friday: Asked instructor when I could solo. I have never seen anyone actually laugh until they cried before.

A while ago while waiting to depart from Jeffco (Northwest Denver area airport) I heard an obvious student in a Cessna 152:

Ah Jeffco Tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final for ah runway ah 11 . . .

Jeffco Tower: You're not on final, final is when you don't have to turn anymore to get to the runway!

Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there.

The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years--but if you insist, well, let's go."

As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his  shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."

Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."