Military Jokes

Fishing in Alaska

Taking out an F-16 Fighting Falcon Air Force Fighter Jet sounds pretty hard, right?. I think the Iraqi Army and Air Force would agree. . However, down in Florida a little pig found out that isn't always the case.

As the jet was accelerating for takeoff, it struck the pig with the landing gear causing it to lose control. The pilot being unable to steer the plane and traveling at great speed, elected to EJECT rather than end up as a burning ball of flames. You got it! A small little pig takes out a $16 million top of the line fighter jet. That's what happens to our tax paying dollars.

In a similar type incident, I had a friend who upon landing in the early morning hours up in Oklahoma City struck a deer. The deer ran out in front of him and impacted on the right propeller. He was able to control the plane and taxi to the ramp but the propeller was destroyed along with the deer.

These are only two of the numerous reports of aircraft striking wild life. It usually involves birds and planes, although, at the smaller airports around the country you're likely to run into anything...

How do you know you have a fighter pilot at your party?.....He'll tell you!

How does a fighter pilot change a light bulb?......He holds up the light and let's the world revolve around him.

Some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots, and the replies from the
maintenance crews.

Problem:  Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
Solution: #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

Problem: Anything that maintenance cannot find.
Solution: Short circuit between the headset.

Student Naval Aviator (SNA) flying in back on an instrument hop, very lost, very flustered, inadvertently keys XMIT instead of ICS to tell Instructor Pilot (IP) he is less-than-optimally situationally aware:

SNA: (broadcasts to world) "Sir, I'm all fuked up."

Whiting TWR: "Aircraft using obscenity, identify yourself."

(short pause)

IP: "My student said he was fucked up; he didn't say he was stupid."

This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:

Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"

Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

A Warrant Officer got pulled over by an MP for speeding, and the MP commenced to lecturing the
 Warrant Officer about speeding, and in general began trying to throw his weight around in a lame
 attempt to make the Chief uncomfortable. Finally, the MP got around to writing out the ticket,
 and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
 The Warrant Officer said, "Having some problems with the circle flies there, are ya?"
 The MP stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard
 of a circle flies".
 The Warrant Officer says--"Well, circle flies are common at the horse stables. See, they're called
 circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
 The MP says,  "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says,
 "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
 The Chief says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and MP's to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
 The MP says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
 After a long pause, the Warrant Officer adds, "Hard to fool them flies though."

SR-71

Pilot: XX center, YY is requesting FL600.
ATC: Ok YY, it's clear. Climb and maintain FL600, if you can.
Pilot: Roger, descending to FL600.